iTake a Compatibility Test
by Adnama19
Summary: When Carly introduces a new contest on iCarly, craziness is sure to happen. Freddie will go on a date with three subjects. iCarly viewers are chosen. And a crazy person appears... If you've read any of my iCarly stories, you'll know it's SEDDIE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: I know! *sob* I CAN'T do iBet Sam! I have this ginormous writer's block. But I promise I'll try my hardest to get over with it. iBet Sam has NOT finished yet. It won't. Even if it is a paragraph, I WILL update my story before May 19! :D THAT'S JENNETTE'S NEW SONG! I'm so excited. So anyways, this is a new story I've written. One-shots aren't just cutting it. I need major flowing of writing going on to make sure I get those brilliant 2-in-the-morning-plot-bunnies. :D

**Disclaimer**: Nope, don't own...umm...*checks story* Nickelodeon, iCarly, the name 'Splashface,' or ham. :D

* * *

Only twenty more seconds. Mrs. Briggs was trying to explain the importance of real music, in her case, the bagpipes.

Ten more seconds. Sam was sitting across from me, probably texting Carly on her cell phone. I glanced over. Yup.

"_Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend—"_ Carly whipped out her phone, blushing furiously. Mrs. Briggs opened her mouth to give her detention, but that moment, the bell rang. Carly sighed in relief and stood up quickly, gathering loose sheets of paper. Stuffing them into her backpack, she made her way over to me. I quickly flattened my hair and put on one of those lopsided, half-grins that usually make any girl fall for a boy.

Yeah, didn't work for me. I think mine came out looking very geeky. Gah, here she is. I just tried to smile normally.

"Hey Freddie!" she greets me cheerfully. My heart soars. "So, summer's finally here, huh?"

I nod enthusiastically. "Yeah, we have a whole three months of freedom."

"Uh, no, correction, King of Dorks. We only have two months and seventeen days of summer." Sam had walked over, swinging her backpack.

"Why, Sam! When did you get so good at math?" I said, mockingly. Her tone suddenly turned angry as she spit out the next few words.

"When I found out teenagers have been wrongly told about the length of summer, ever since we were impressionable children!"

I snickered. "That's a big word for you, Sam."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Benson."

"You shut up!"

Her voice was even and calm, but her eyes shot daggers. "Benson, don't use that tone with me, unless you want your face rearranged, is that clear?"

I sighed and threw me hands weakly into the air. "Okay, okay, shutting up now." I grabbed my books and motioned for Carly and Sam to walk ahead of me out of the classroom. Sam's blue orbs gave me an odd look before she passed me.

At home, (well, it's really Carly's house), I threw my books on the coffee table.

"So, guys. iCarly's in an hour. We still doing the summer segment?"

I stood up at Carly's words. "Oh yeah, I think we should do it. Anyways, we've got no choice now; it's too late to plan something else."

Sam pushed me onto the couch. "No one asked you."

"She said 'guys!'" I stood up, angry.

"Which means _me_."

"I'm _am_ a guy!"

"No you're not."

"Sam, Freddie..." Carly's soft, tired tone made me weak in the knees.

"Sam, that was disrespectful!"

"So's your social life."

God that girl was on a roll. "Well—umm...NO!"

She blinked at me, her expression blank. "No?"

"NO!" I made some weird gurgling noise (my combination of groaning and yelling) and trudged upstairs. I heard Sam talking to Carly on my angry rampage up the poor stairs.

"What's _his_ problem?"

"Sam."

"Yeah?"

I heard her sigh. "C'mon, let's just go get set up so we can eat something before the show."

"Oh, yay, food!" I heard them both coming upstairs. Man, they're coming. Sam's probably still angry at me. I'd better hide. But where?

I slipped out the door and came face to face with Sam.

"Move it, nub." She pushed past me, not even meeting my eyes. Carly smiled apologetically at me and I started hyperventilating.

Carly just makes me so happy! But _nothing you can prove_ will happen to her first husband. Then we can live happily ever after together!

"Oh, Freeeeeedie! Come in here, I need your help on something!" Nearly tripping over my own feet, I raced into the Studio. Carly was smirking, one hand on her hip, one leaning on my tech cart.

My grin slipped off my face as I saw Carly was perfectly fine, in no need of help.

"Yeah?" My voice was forlorn and I sighed, walking over to her.

"Sorry, I just had to get you over here. C'mon, just get set up so we can have a snack."

"Spaghetti tacos?" Sam jumped out of the beanbag she was sitting in and ran over to Carly and me.

"If you want spaghetti tacos."

"Very much, yes, and some ham would be nice, too."

Carly just smiled—DID I MENTION HOW I ADORE HER SMILE—and rolled her eyes. "Okay, then help Freddie move the blow-up pool over here. I'll fill up a few buckets with water."

"I have to help the _dork_?"

"Sam, please."

"Okay, fine, I guess." She walked over to me, careful not to be within a foot's radius of me.

I looked at her. "What, am I _that_ nerdy?"

With her jaw set, she slowly moved her face up to look at me. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

In a pained voice, I answered meekly, "No, not really..."

"Okay, guys, c'mere, we need to get this stuff ready." Sam and I followed her into the iCarly Studio backstage. Or, at least Sam likes to call it the 'backstage.' She pulled out a kiddy plastic pool that was in a box. Handing (rather throwing) it to Sam, she motioned for me to follow her. We went deeper into the hallway-like room and she grabbed an armful of buckets, gave them to me, and grabbed some for herself.

"When you're done with Sam, come into the bathroom. I'll need your help to carry all of these back."

I nodded, too concentrated on not tripping over the random-item-littered floor.

Sam just stared at me as I walked back into the Studio and into the hallway. Setting the buckets down in the bathroom, I jogged back to Sam and Carly.

"Okay, I'm going to go fill the buckets with water. Sam, Freddie, take turns blowing this thing up." She motioned to the pool and left the room. Ripping open the cardboard box, I pulled out the pool. But then I noticed something. There was one blow-hole. Uh-oh. Well, okay, wait. That's not so bad. Just have one of us blow it up, and the other can help Carly. But this thing was huge. No one could blow up the whole thing themselves and not get a major brain tumor.

"Er...Sam?"

"What, Fredwina?" She spun around, her hand suspiciously lying on my equipment.

"Who's gonna blow this up? You or me?"

"Both of us, you idiot." She walked over to the pool, grabbed the end, and pulled it towards her. Gripping the little nozzle between her teeth, she started blowing.

After about a minute of her blowing, and me gaping at her bluntness, she capped the hole and threw the pool at me. She was breathing heavily.

"Your turn, dork." I glanced down at the spit-covered hole.

"Er..."

"Come on, dork, you aren't worried 'bout a little _spit_, are you?"

"No, of course not." I slowly picked up the pool, eyeing it. Uncapping the blow-hole, I stared at it.

"Well, what are you waiting for? The air's escaping!"

I leaned down and stuck my teeth on it, and started blowing. Thirty seconds later, I could have sworn my face was red. This was not so easy. I could also taste ham. Oh, disgusting. Sam spit.

After about a minute of blowing, I threw down the pool, gulping in air. It was nearly full blown. Sam reached down and grabbed it. She pulled it up, not even hesitating to put her lips on it and start blowing.

I was fighting back a major migraine when she capped the pool, as it was fully blown.

"All done." Then she smirked and walked over to me. Leaning over, she whispered into my ear, "Never knew your mom let you eat chocolate." I could feel her hot breath against my cheek, her golden hair tickling my forehead and chin, and I shivered slightly. She half-grinned, noticing my movement, and blew into my ear, making the whooshing noise.

I just gaped at her retreating figure as she walked to the bathroom down the hall. I barely heard the girls talking as I tried to contemplate what just happen. Either Sam was attacked by a rabid dog last night, or she was...flirting with me?

"Okay guys, thirty seconds until iCarly." I grabbed my camera as the girls jumped up from their beanbags. "Twenty-five more seconds."

"Yes, Benson, we can _count_."

I snickered. "Really? Never thought you could."

"Don't get me started, missy—"

"I'm a guy."

"For the second time, _no you are not_."

"Okay, Sam, Freddie! Now there's ten more seconds!" She laughed nervously and waved her arms a little in a way only Carly can do.

We completely ignored her.

"Sam, I am, and always will be a male."

"Freddie, you always were, and always will be a prissy little girl."

"Two more seconds!"

"Sam—"

"Okay, we are ON the air! I'm Carly!"

Sam snapped out of her fight with me and turned to the camera, grinning. "So I'd better be Sam, or my birth certificate is very wrong! Which is highly likely." She trailed off at the end, still grinning at the camera.

"So today, we're doing a special—"

The girls said the next few words together. "SUMMER SEGMENT!"

"Woo!"

"Oh yeah, that's right!"

"Mmmmmhmm!"

Sam and Carly danced for a moment the stopped, still giggling.

"We're going to have a fishing contest today!" Carly grinned at the camera.

Sam pressed the 'boo' button on her remote, but Carly continued.

"But wait! We're going fishing...with our toes!"

Sam stopped for a second, then pressed the 'boo' button on her remote again.

"What, Sam?"

"Sorry Carls, it's just not original."

"How 'bout this? We're going fishing in a kiddie blow-up pool with our toes while singing randomly about hobos and tangerines while wearing cowboy hats?"

Sam grinned. "Perfect!"

The girls continued their antics while I laughed in the correct places, and moved the camera around while they were randomly dancing, pretty much what I normally do. But my mind was in a different place. I was still thinking about Sam's unusual acts while we were blowing up the pool before the show. What had possessed her to _do_ that?

I just ignored the nagging, questioning voice in my head until it was near the end of the show. With only five minutes left, the girls put away their roller skates and ham bones (please, don't ask). Carly walked in front of Sam, putting on a mischievous smile.

"And now comes the time for our contest." I glanced at Sam, who looked thoroughly confused. This wasn't planned. Our Summer Segment went a little faster then we anticipated, and the girls had decided early on to ad-lib if they ever had time left over.

Carly continued. "I now present, an original contest thought of by me, Carly Shay...the Compatibility Test!" My gaze flicked over to Sam, who had a horrified look on her face.

"Here is how the contest works. You, the viewers, will leave a comment on a special C.T. blog I will put up on the iCarly website. We will randomly choose a viewer that picked the option that ultimately worked out the best. Whoever that is, will win a guest-star appearance on the show!" Sam and I were completely confused. What will 'work out'?

"So here are the options. Who will be the best girlfriend for Freddie?"

Oh God. Oh no. Oh no.

"Will it be me, or a monkey," she held up a stuffed monkey, but oh God, I knew what was coming next, "—Or Sam?"

Sam's mouth dropped to the floor.

"So before you vote, watch a few previous iCarly episodes to see who has the best chemistry! Then leave a comment and say which couple has the best compatibility. Freddie will go on a date with each of the contestants and whichever one works out the best...well, it's grammatically incorrect what I'm about to say, but whichever one works out the best (and that will be decided by Spencer and two of my friends), we will choose a random person who left a comment saying that couple, and that person will win!" She paused. "Does that even make sense?" Giggling, she blushed slightly, and then looked at me. I quickly made the cut-off signal, telling her we were out of time.

"Well, that's it for iCarly tonight, folks! I'll post the blog up tonight. Bye!"

Sam quickly jumped beside Carly. "Bye! Ciao!"

"See you later!"

"Later, homies!"

I switched off my camera, walking quickly back to my computer. "...And we're off the air. Great show, guys." I smiled weakly, still stunned by Carly's recent outburst.

Sam was apparently intent on picking off one of the buttons on her remote, as she was silent. I walked over to the two.

"Umm...Freddie, sorry about the whole contest thing."

I smirked. "And the whole 'thing' about not even telling me about it?"

"Yeah, that too." She blushed again. I nearly melted with happiness. How could I even be mad at her? Carly will definitely win, you just watch. Then we'll go out, she'll be my girlfriend, and maybe I'll even have a chance of being her _first_ husband!

"Well, I've got the whole blog typed up. Could you post it tonight, Freddie?"

"Yeah, of course." I walked over to my computer again. "What is the file called? I can connect my Wi-Fi to your computer downstairs and access the files here."

"It's called 'Compatibility Test,' of course." She rolled her eyes as if this was painfully obvious.

Pulling up the file, I saw she had written two and half pages. "Okay, I'll post it now." I brought up the iCarly website, logged in, and posted her blog.

"There, all done. I bet you can expect comments flooding in any moment." As if on cue, a pop-up appeared on the computer screen, saying in bolded words, "To _iCarly_ website owner: A user has posted a new comment on your blog post "_Compatibility Test_." To read it, access this link." It was followed by a link, which I then clicked on.

_kewl post, guys!!! hey, i LOVE your show!!! it's awesome. and for the compatibility test thingy, i vote SEDDIE!! seddiers shall prevail! :D i haven't even seen the vids yet, but oh well!!!_

That comment thoroughly confused me. What is 'Seddie'? I turned to Carly with a questioning look on my face, but I didn't even speak before she pushed me away from the computer and started talking rapidly.

"Seddie is a couple name created by the fans of iCarly. It represents you and Sam. 'S' from Sam, 'eddie' from Freddie. Get it? Anyways, I think it's wonderful. Have you seen some of these websites? There are whole sites dedicated to you two. I have three of them bookmarked, and I'm even thinking of creating one myself, anonymously, though. But some of them are really great! I'm a huge Seddie shipper, even though it's really weird, because I'm your best friend. But that doesn't matter, because _anyone_ in their right mind could see you and Sam are perfect for each other. Everyone knows that, _except_ you and Sam, of course. The person or persons in question are always the last to know, isn't that ironic? But anyways, there are websites, SplashFace videos, even fan fiction dedicated to you two! Oh yeah, before you say anything, fan fiction are stories written by fans about say...T.V. shows, or in our case, a web show. Like I said, I know it's insanely creepy having your closest friend ship you and my other best friend, but whatever, y' know."

Sam, who had walked over next to me, had been staring wide-eyed at Carly throughout her whole speech. My jaw was on the floor, and I think Sam's dropped so hard it made a dent in the wooden boards.

_Seddie_?! Our _couple name_?

Crazy people.

It feels weird...being watched, written about. Having people you don't even know pair you with your best friend, or in my case, my best frenemy. Scary.

"But anyways," Carly continued, and I mentally groaned. "I'm really excited to see how this test will turn out. Obviously _everyone_ will pair you two together!"

I, for one, was not excitedly anticipating this contest. No, not at all.

* * *

**A/N**: So, whaddya think? :D Is it okay? I think the whole Compatibility Test thing is confusing. Let me recap, make it make sense. :D

1. Carly introduces the topic and posts the blog on the website, explaining in detail the whole Test.

2. Freddie goes on a date with each of the subjects: Carly, Sam, and the monkey (XD). Each date is taped.

3. The dates are posted on the website. Viewers then get to vote on their favorite couple with the most compatibility.

4. Spencer and two of Carly's closest friends will review the date. Whichever one all three decide has the best chemistry, all the people who voted for that couple win. In a sense, of course. Not all of them win.

5. Then the six (the gang, Spence, and friends) will randomly choose one person who voted for that couple.

6. That winner will guest-star in an iCarly episode.

Make sense now?! :D


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Wow. I am…I don't know how to say it. This story's on a few alerts, and I got really nice reviews…but here I am, MONTHS later and still haven't updated. So for everyone who put this on alert…I'm SO sorry! It doesn't take me this long to update, I swear! Anyways, I read iTake chapter 1 again, and I just got brain spurt after brain spurt. I guess my mind's better at one in the morning then at 2 in the afternoon. :D Anyways, here you go. Oh yeah, since that made no sense to have Spencer and two of Carly's friends "choose" the compatible couple, all the votes will be tallied up and the winning couple's comments will be chosen from randomly. I decided to have three winners instead of one, since I have plans for them. :D Oh yeah, I just noticed that people spell "bologna" like "baloney." WHAT THE HECK?!? Baloney means fake, or silly, or whatever. Bologna means the MEAT PRODUCT. Gosh. (Oh yeah, I based Carly's sandwich on what I sometimes eat like three times a day…bologna and cheese sandwich, triple decker, SO fattening [but I don't gain weight mwahaha] and SO unhealthy, but GOD it tastes SO good :D)

**Disclaimer**: Don't own iCarly. Sigh. Or Oscar Meyer. Or Kraft.

* * *

When we get to Carly's after going to the Groovy Smoothie the next day, (I swear, Sam and I live there) Sam flops excitedly down on the couch, flipping on the TV. I just roll my eyes and walk over to the kitchen to make her a ham sandwich I know she will inevitably ask for—

"It shouldn't take you as long as it did yesterday to make me my sandwich."

See? So I slap some ham onto two pieces of bread, squirt some mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, ketchup, honey (_don't ask_), hot sauce, relish, and my personal favorite, steak sauce. Yes, she likes condiments. Yes, the sandwich is five inches tall. YES, there's thirty slices of ham among those condiments…yes, you can stop asking questions now.

I hand the sandwich on a paper towel to Sam. She grabs it, a mix of ketchup and mustard squirting everywhere. Carly groans as she set her purse down. She just walked in. You see, that's how it is every day. Sam runs up the stairs to get here so I could make her a sandwich, and I race up…well, because I value my life. So we arrive about two minutes before Carly.

"Sam? You just got mustard all over our couch." Carly grimaced at the large orange-ish blot. Sam just shrugged and kept watching whatever she was watching—oh, it was a documentary on how to beat up dorks faster. What? How is that a television show? Sigh. Apparently they have Sam's view. And they probably have about every other bully's view also. So I guess it can still run on television.

Anyways, I grab a fistful of candy from Carly's pantry and walk back over to the girls.

"Twisted Knot?" I offer to Sam, holding up a red licorice type thing. She gladly accepts with greedy eyes, stuffing three into her sandwich.

"I'll have a bologna and cheese sandwich. Triple decker." I glance over at Carly. "Seriously, Carls?" I ask in complete wonder. "That's…a big sandwich."

"I know. I'm ready to handle it." She sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, giving me a mock look of courage.

"Okay," I said slowly, playing along in the game. "If you're really ready…"

I stand up slowly, playing the part well. Grabbing the Oscar Meyer package from the fridge and Kraft "cheese food" from the top shelf, I start to professionally make the sandwich.

I start with some sourdough bread. Slap on two pieces of cheese food. Slap on a piece of bologna. Another slice of bread. Repeat. Another slice of bread...

Voilá.

A masterpiece.

Cue choirs of angels.

Humming some random classical tune and spinning around, I deliver the sandwich delicately to Carly.

"Thank you," she says weakly, fear on her face. She slowly picks up the sandwich...sticks it in her mouth (OH MY GOD IT FITS)...and bites down.

"OH MY GOD IT FITS!" Sam shouts, completely stunned. "Congrats, Carly, you officially have a big mouth!"

Carly stopped and turned to glare at Sam, who then realized her mistake.

"Oh...I'm...sorry Carls!" she laughed nervously and turned back to her...napkin.

"OH MY GOD IT'S GONE!" I shout in complete amazement. "THE SANDWICH—IT'S GONE!"

"No chiz dude it's called eating. Now you wouldn't happen to have another one of those bologna sandwiches, would you?"

"N—" I start to say. Her glare stops me. "Of course I do, Sam," I sigh, getting up.

This repeats. Every day. I get ordered around by a blond. I get beaten up by a blond. I get harassed by a blond. And now, to top it all off, I am now getting ordered around by a BRUNETTE.

Can my life get any worse?

"Oh yeah, and Benson? I don't like that disgusting rim around the bologna edges. Peel it all off. Every smidge."

Nevermind.

* * *

"Hey Freddie!" Carly says, walking into the studio.

"Hey..." I say slowly, staring in awe at my laptop.

"What's up?"

"iCarly comments."

"Really? How many did we get on the compatibility blog?"

"Try...seven hundred and twenty-two thousand."

Her shock stops her in her steps. "Wha-wha...WHAT?!" she finally gets out. "WHAT?!"

"Seven hundred and twenty-two thousand."

"Oh. My...GOD!!" She starts dancing around crazily and grabs me and pulls me into a hug. "Oh my God! We did it!" Then she pulls me closer, and my lips crash against hers. No need to cue choirs of angels, heck, they're already singing! _I_ feel like singing! Carly pulls away as quickly as she descended on me. Her cheeks go immeasurably red and she looks down.

"Umm...sorry."

"N-no need-d..." I stutter.

"Can we just pretend that didn't happen? I just got caught up in the moment. I had to kiss someone. You were right there. So I did."

Talk about heartbreaker. I literally felt I was going to melt into the floor right then and there.

"So...uh...what do you mean, we did it?"

"Well," she said slowly, trying to get back her train of thought. "We finally got super popular."

"But we already _were_ super popular."

"I know. But like...seven hundred and twenty-two THOUSAND comments! What do they all say?"

"Oh yeah...that why I felt like I was going to die in a small hole a few minutes ago." I gestured to the computer screen. "Every," I jabbed the screen, "single," again, "frickin'," again, "comment," once again, "is," nah, I just paused for effect here. "ABOUT FRICKIN' SAM AND ME! SAM AND I! SEDDIE OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT'S CALLED! EVERY COMMENT SAYS THE THING AND I SHOULD GET TOGETHER—wow I'm strangely reminded of the Fantastic Four, not that the iCarly viewers would pair me up with him, haha—BUT ANY-FREAKING-WAY WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?! I HAVEN'T EVEN GONE ON A DATE WITH ANYONE YET AND YET EVERY SINGLE COMMENT IS ABOUT SAM AND ME!—Actually there are two comments about you and I, one saying "Creddiers shall prevail!" and "I heart Creddie LOL in your FACE SEDDYERS!"—but still, I'm freaking out Carly, I'm _freakin'_ _out_!"

Carly was silent for a moment, then spoke very quietly, "But you and Sam _do_ make a cute couple."

"Oh GOD Carly! You just kissed me and it's now all, 'aw you and Sam would make a cute couple you guys should _totally_ get together'!"

Carly rolled her eyes at my valley-girl voice.

"You kissed the dipthong?"

I turned around quickly to see Sam. Her face was full of confusion, stun, and...anger? Why would she be angry at me? Whatever.

"How long have you been standing here, Sam?" Carly asked, shocked by Sam appearing.

"Oh, I dunno, 'bout two minutes. 'Nuff to hear Freddison scream about all that Seddie crap on the computer." She shrugged and walked over. "Y'know, dweeb, there's a "Delete Comment" button."

"Oh yeah. And I'm supposed to press that seven hundred and twenty-two _thousand_ times? And wait for the page to refresh _EACH TIME_?"

"Yeah. If you really wanna get rid of all the Seddie comments."

"God, sometimes you really annoy me."

"Yeah, like my life is all peaches and cream with your presence everywhere."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the computer as the girls walked away. My mouse icon was a shimmering arrow, flashing blue and red stipes. They molded into purple then fanned out, become the stripes again. It annoyed Carly whenever she used the computer, but I liked it, and so did Sam (not that I value her opinion), so I kept it.

I moved the cursor over to the first comment. "i love seddie!!! Creddie is cruddie!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEDDIE WILL WIN BUT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO SAM THEN THE MONKEY CAN HAVE FREDDIE!!!!!!!"

I shuddered and quickly pressed delete.

Awesome. Only seven hundred and twenty-one thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine comments left to go.

As the page refreshed, I quickly computed the math in my head. If the page refreshed at a rate of about one second, and it took me approximately ten seconds for the page to fully load and click delete on the next comment...

Woo. It'll only take me about 2,206 hours to delete all of these comments. Only 36.7 days.

A month of my life will be WASTED deleting these comments. I just shook my head slowly, closed the laptop, and followed the girls downstairs.

* * *

**A/N**: Don't frickin' worry peoples! I said it was Seddie, it will BE Seddie! :D

Lol, and I can't, for the life of me, do that multiplication and division in my head without a calculator. In fact, I pulled up my real computer calculator and did the math. So those are the REAL answers. It WOULD take in 36.7 days to FULLY delete 721,999 comments at a rate of 11 seconds to delete each comment. XD

Love you all, ciao,

Adnama19


End file.
